There have been times in my life where I have been hurt to the point where I had no strength in my body, where my bones ached, and my heart nearly gave up on me. That’s how broken I once was, my heart physically was saddened and hurt. Somehow, those rough times have taught me how to appreciate life more abundantly. Because of hard times, I have been strengthened, replenished, and restored. Lastly, I have learned and gained far more than I have lost.
There was a time in my life where I steeped myself low into a complete brain fog, a total wipeout. I was completely out of it. This was as a result of being heart broken. During this time, I remember I couldn’t go one second without driving myself insane. I was constantly replaying scenes in my head, trying to redirect all that happened like I was the director, and could edit it all over and delete what wasn’t needed. I cried and I cried, until my pillow was soaked and it received enough of those silent screams I’d given it, so no one else in my house could hear me. At times, I felt too ashamed to even bring this to God, I’d assign negative, meaningless, words on our conversations before they were ever formed.
Imaginary Predicted Conversations
God: “So you’re broken again huh? What do you expect me to do.. fix you? Again? No way.”
Me: *cries in pillow for the thousandth time*
My problem was that I thought I knew God better than he knows himself, I thought I knew what he was going to say before I’d ever come to him in prayer, so for so long I avoided even going into prayer. Because from the very result of my broken heart, I had already felt the sting of rejection ceasing from every corner and every being.. even God himself. I felt ashamed and downright stupid to keep loving the same people who hurt me.. over and over again. So I began to build bolted doors, barriers, borders, fences, screaming, “I’ve been hurt too many times, sorry no one is welcome here any more.” I felt like I had given everyone every single piece of me that was actually good and important, so building barriers was my way of rebuilding the pieces of me that I had lost. I had treated my love as if it was a bad thing, a disease, or some sort of ill borne sickness.
When in reality, my ability to love was all along, my superpower.
So once I realized my love was a good thing, I had to change my conversation with my creator, my master, my sweet Heavenly Father, my God.
A Conversation between God and I
Me: God I’ve been hurting and I don’t know what to do, think, pray, or even say at times. All I know is that I need you, and I pray that your will be done in my life. I pray that nothing stops me from loving others, and I lay all of those father whom have hurt me at your feet, I don’t know what has caused them to hurt me or why they may do the things that they do father, but you know. May you give me enough strength to keep going.
The reason I didn’t place a response from God in the conversation above this time, is because I can no longer predict or assign words and thoughts on God. All I can do is trust Him and His will, even through every harsh, rattling, battle and through every ounce of joy that will come in the morning. Does it ache to be devastated and hurt by those we love? Indeed it does. But I choose to love because I can no longer control or try to control others actions. God resists a controlling spirit, because we have a tendency and desire of wanting everything to go our way. To release, is to completely give everything to God and allow him to be the producer of our contentment. I had to let go and allow for him to direct my path entirely, because God isn’t the God that will settle for some. He’s an all in God.
Many of us, after experiencing another’s version of ‘love’ has failed us, we give up on love completely. It’s not that we want too, but many times we use this as a defense mechanism to keep us from hurting ourselves again. We become our own guards and protectors, because we’d do anything just to not feel the reality of a broken heart again. We begin to pinpoint toxic people from miles away and mentally growl at them to stay away from us. It took me many years to overcome this. I lost myself more playing the role as someone who had to constantly watch herself because everyone was out to hurt her, rather than just simply choosing to love. Not knowing, that even in love, you can still dodge the hurt, if you’re secure in where your love lies. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, the wonderful words of Elenor Roosevelt that has spoken volumes over generations.
I choose to love, because I can no longer be imprisoned by another’s actions, negative thoughts, pain, and barriers. I choose to love, because I choose to keep going, and my destiny is not in the nads of those who have hurt me. I refuse to apologize for loving any longer, my ability to love is my superpower.