I decided to make this my very first post because I figured if anything touched home, it was this.
It was Thanksgiving 2012, I remember sitting on the toilet trying to figure out how to pee on the pregnancy test and not my hand! My aunt was at the door making sure no one would come in. I can still feel the rave of nerves that started to kick in as we patiently waited. It felt like a sworm of bees stinging at my spine. About 5 minutes passed, I told my aunt to take a look because I was too afraid, I had already felt myself about to die a hundred times and resurrect back to life when it was all over with. I picked my head up and found her cheeks turning red, the room turned to silence. I slowly rose to hold a pregnancy test that read “+”.
Still to this day, I cannot explain what all was going through my head, and what all I was feeling. I was 15 years old going on 16 at the time, and honestly didn’t even know that much about sex, and here I was having it. I didn’t know who to turn to, Can I trust my friends? What if they tell everyone? What if it gets out? Will everyone just think of me as some whore because they found out I had sex? Who can I trust? Is this really happening? I just couldn’t seem to grasp hold of reality for one second even if I tried. I didn’t even want to tell him out of fear of rejection, we had only been dating for about 9 months at the time, but eventually I did.
Throughout the months, my mind was wrapped around my wrist, functioning like a machine, and it just kept breaking down. With no one to repair it, I was lost, confused, and self misguided because that wasn’t what I was taught growing up. Continuing on, we had all come to the conclusion that getting an abortion would be the best option at the time. We figured that a child would hold me back from graduating school, living my ‘teen years’, and that I was just too young to be able to take care of a child, when legally at the time I was still one myself. My mother didn’t necessarily agree, but she knew that I was just too young.
About a week went by after the decision was made and determined final. My scheduled abortion appointment was slowly reaching it’s peak, getting closer by the day. Feelings of nervousness and depression began to unwind in me when I was alone. I didn’t want this to be done, but I knew that it had to be. I wasn’t much of a believer at the time, but I prayed each night, I cried, I nearly drowned in my tears. The same week, I discovered that I had also been getting cheated on.. the entire time. And even worse, there was multiple women involved. Being in denial, with no plans of ever openly coming clean. I nearly fell to my knees and cried each night until I couldn’t breathe anymore, I silently screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore. I punched holes in my wall, I had started cutting my wrists again. I had been battling a disturbing depression for years and thought some guy could cover it all up and make those monsters disappear, but I was wrong.
One night, after finally being able to sleep, I had a dream. I dreamt of me playing with a baby girl, and in that dream, I felt such a close connection to that child, I could feel my heart yearning for her in my sleep. I remember her laughing, and she wouldn’t stop. The morning after, I woke up to tell my mother that I didn’t want to have the abortion anymore. She said “I never wanted you to have it in the first place.” We sat at the table figuring out earlier graduation plans for school, homeschooling, what we all would need for the child, and so on.
I was about 6 months into my pregnancy and no one still knew about it. I didn’t plan on telling anyone. I wasn’t the girl to post pictures of my stomach, and tell everyone my full on business. As time went by, I reached out to one of my close friends. I hadn’t talked to her in a while, but if I could trust anyone I could trust her. I didn’t say anything, I just sent her a picture of my ultrasound. She was happy and scared for me and we talked the rest of the night on the phone. A few days go by, and I receive a text from her saying that her boyfriend was upset with her so he went through all of her messages… even ours . She told me how she made him promise not to tell anyone, but he ended up telling everyone. It was taken as far as within schools, and I was homeschooled, to social networks. People began to make fun of me, making jokes of my age and pregnancy. It was a never ending nightmare, but I was trying to ignore it all and keep moving forward.
Moving on, I had already knew that I was having a baby girl from my dream, but the doctor had confirmed it when I went in for my 20 week checkup. I decided I was going to name her Céline (suh-leen).
After giving birth to Céline and transitioning to motherhood, I felt complete almost. I was finishing up school, taking great care of her, I honestly felt I was handling myself really well at such a young age. I had even moved to a family member’s home to keep myself away. When Céline was about 7 months, I began experiencing what most doctors call baby blues, I was depressed again, I was suicidal at times, the birth control I was forced to be put on was horribly messing with my hormones and body all around. I began hanging with friends again, but this time getting into drinking, which was something I had never gotten myself into, and so much more, again, depressed, confused, mislead. Still allowing myself to be mentally and physically abused by her father. I had completely did a U-Turn and went back to where I had started, this time going in circles at a dead end street.
About a few months after my daughter turned one, an amazing guy who had been my friend for years, contacted me and asked me to come to church. I was shaky and tried to make an excuse at first, but he convinced me and I went.. That guy, is now my husband. He is also the man Celine looks up to as her father, her love, and her guide. I have not been the same since I walked into that church, and I always say that he was the angel God sent to me. We have our own home, we’re both working, and I plan on going to school for nursing this year and he plans to pursue his dreams as an actor. He is my love, my rock, my supporter, he has lifted me up in ways I cannot explain. Celine is the happiest, loving, peaceful baby you will ever meet and we both love and nurture her until she can’t be anymore.
No matter how difficult your trial is, God will bring you out of it, but you must first have faith, repent, surrender your all to him. Sometimes, he puts us through certain things in order to become closer to him and know that he is God. He will provide, he will show you the light. But first, you must trust in him. You’re still here because you are meant to fulfill a purpose, find yours and learn to enjoy your journey holding his hand throughout the way. Learning to love God will teach you to learning to love yourself. I pray for everyone who may be going through something similar or just a trial that God brings you out of it and blesses you with comfort and with his light. I thank God for giving me the courage to share this with others and I thank you to those who took the time out to read this.
- “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Mathew 11:28-30)